One too many days of Christmas?

So the festive season is nearly here, there are Christmas displays in shop windows and the build-up has well and truly begun.

Whilst this for many is a happy time of year the added stress and debt can put strain on relationships and cracks may start to appear or become more apparent for those who are not used to spending long periods with their partner or children.

The constant planning and pressure for everything to be perfect can leave couples at breaking point and it is a sad fact that reports of Domestic Violence and people seeking advice for relationship breakdown often double in the post-Christmas period.

With the recession still in force, this year may seem particularly difficult for many but nobody wants to suffer upset at Christmas so how can you try to Christmas proof your relationship?

1. Keep a check on your alcohol consumption – excessive alcohol can frequently lead to people being more aggressive/argumentative or expressing views that they may later regret – alcohol and the pressure of a family Christmas can be a disaster

2. Agree a budget for each family member or for the children and stick to it – financial pressures are one of the biggest strains at Christmas and can be source of many arguments, even in to the New Year when debts need to be paid off

3. If you’re struggling, refusing to speak to one another, whether that is because you simply can’t bear it or because you fear it will cause a row, will see tensions build – try and clear the air about issues as quickly as possible and away from family members.

4. Perspective – with the added stress and pressure the smallest of things can become a source of major irritation. Stand back and count to 10, is it that big an issue? If it is then speak about it, if not, let it go.

It is rare that Christmas is the cause for a relationship breaking down but it can magnify cracks in a relationship and be the last straw – if that is the case, seek out specialist advice in the New Year and remember that friends may be well meaning but they are frequently wrong or influenced by their own experiences.

For those couples already separated, particularly with children, the issue of how to deal with Christmas can raise other difficulties, here are a few tips to help…

1. If you have recently separated, or even if you have been for some time, rely on your friends and family for support. Surrounding yourself with close friends will lift your mood and stop you dwelling on matters.

2. Make Christmas your own – often when there are children involved, a family will have certain traditions done each year. Don’t focus on what has always been done, make your own traditions and memories and move forward

3. Forget the emotion – maybe you are still processing emotions from the breakdown of your marriage/relationship try not to let your children sense that over Christmas. Remember this, as long as children see both of their parents over the Christmas period they won’t be too concerned about who they see on Christmas Day – Christmas starts when the presents start and ends when the presents end – who said Santa can’t leave their presents in 2 houses?

4. Communication is key – when you separate there will be all sorts of emotions to process and you will both be feeling them, not necessarily the same ones at the same time. Communicating with your ex about Christmas presents, arrangements etc. will enable you and the children to have an enjoyable break.

Breaking up is so hard to do......or accept

In this recently reported case the husband, Peter Savva, appealed the grant of the “Decree Nisi”, which had been granted – the Court having considered matters and judged that there was an entitlement to the Divorce on the grounds put forward by the wife, who had been the one to petition.

Mr Savva’s position was, whilst accepting that the marriage had temporarily broken down, that his wife had suffered some sort of mental breakdown or was confused or, in the alternative, that she was being unduly influenced by her solicitors, her mother and others and that the marriage had not permanently broken down.

Mr Savva even went as far as to say that his wife lacked the capacity to instruct her solicitors and asked the Court to order psychiatric testing.

Lady Justice Black rejected the arguments put forward by the husband and said that Mrs Savva stuck her as being “upright, honest and, not surprisingly, fed up with all that has been going on”. Lady Justice Black confirmed that in her view the husband was finding “all of this very difficult” and was struggling and “reaches out for any excuse other than the truth”.

The Court endorsed an earlier judgement in the case that the matter was “very sad” and I would certainly second that.

I would say that the lengths to which Mr Savva went are unusual – I expect that there are a significant number of people who are less than accepting that a divorce is the right course of action or even shocked that their spouse wants one but not everyone ends up in the Court of Appeal!

This case does, however, highlight, the difficulty that there can be when one party doesn’t necessarily want the Divorce to go ahead or considers that there hasn’t been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

In England and Wales the only ground for divorce is that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage and this must then be based on one of several “facts”.

A divorce may be progressed without the other party’s consent or acceptance, for example, if the person petitioning considers the other’s behaviour to have been unreasonable, for which no proof or admittance of the behaviour is necessary. This is one of the most common facts upon which petitions are issued and means that a Divorce petition can be issued immediately upon separation – allowing the other party little time to get used to the idea or reach any level of acceptance.

Mr Savva has indicated his intention to seek judicial review of the process of divorce in England and Wales and considered that Mrs Savva should have been made to go through a“cooling off” period before commencing the divorce proceedings.

I do not agree that in all circumstances this is appropriate – for example when divorce proceedings are needed urgently because there is some pressing issue as regards the marital finances but there are several countries around the world whose procedures encompass some waiting time.

In Sweden, couples can file for divorce together or one party can file alone. If they have children under 16 living at home or one party does not wish to get divorced there is a required contemplation period of 6 to 12 months.

In Malta, who only had legislation introducing divorce in October 2011, the parties must have been separated for 4 years from the last 5 and there must be sufficient arrangements as regards maintenance. The requirement of separation for 4 out of the preceding 5 years is the same in the Republic of Ireland.

In the U.S, where no-fault divorces are common, most states still require a 1-2 year period of separation before proceedings can be commenced.

The reality is, despite these different procedures, that if one party wishes to separate, there is nothing that the other party can do – an obliged period of separation before divorce at least provides time for the party being left to come to some level of acceptance but it does also prevent both sides from moving on.

Far better, in my view, for parties to speak with each other before one takes action – not necessarily to achieve any reconciliation (although if that is a possibility divorce should be furthest from anyone’s mind) – but to discuss their respective feelings and needs so that the process, as administrative as it may be, can be approached on a timescale (ideally) appropriate to both sides.

Leaving aside cases where there is domestic violence (when some thought needs to be given to the timing and arrangements for any such discussion) the first thing that a spouse knows about divorce should not be receiving the papers through the post, no matter how uncomfortable that discussion is going to be.